Team Fortress: Remnant
by MagisterShiryu
Summary: If you give addictive video games such as TF2 to people like, Jaune Arc, Mercury Black and more, you should expect: innuendos, stale memes (but better then Facebook), utter carnage, OOCness, humor and references. No, I'm not going to apologize for this story. (Image belongs to a guide on Steam Workshop.)
1. Chapter 1

-*-/|\\-*-

Team Fortress: Remnant

Chapter I

Pyros and Scouts

* * *

Jaune stared at the screen in front of him with such concentration, that those who didn't know of his habit/obsession, they would have thought that it might be a bit too much for a mere game.

His fingers tapped on his keyboard at such a rapid rate, people who didn't know would have thought that his Semblance was super-speed. He muttered under his breath, "How the hell is that Soldier managing to get such good rockets on me?"

"And that fucking Pyro?" He added, as frustration leaked into his voice. The end of the match was near, and the Blue Team were getting the intel, and the Medics on his team were simply not answering his call of help.

When they finally lost, Jaune let out a small growl of anger and punched the first thing that he could find, which was ironically the shield and sword that his dad had gotten him nearly ten years ago. His fist impacted against the weapon, and he moaned in pain as the metal easily resisted against his anger.

"Ow." He moaned loudly, as he shook his hand in attempt to get rid of the pain. After a minute or so, he quickly calculated his K/D for the match and found that for every two kills he got, he died once. And the only class that he had used was the Scout, which was easily his main for nearly all the time that he had played which was easily one thousand hours... And it had only been released six months ago.

It had made the developers, a company called Valve contact him and ask if he'd like to get ten free hats, since he was easily the one who had played the most, and was actually the first person to buy the game. He had of course, accepted.

He shut down his PC, and quickly put on his trainers. He exited his room, and came down to see that his sister were watching TV, and had quickly noticed him.

"I heard that you got that new game that recently came out," his elder (by barely five years which wasn't _that_ big) sister, a girl called Violet, said.

"Yes...?" He replied, suspiciously. "And what does that have to do with anything?"

"And that you somehow managed to be the first to get a thousand hours played, within six months..." She continued, a look entering his eyes.

Despite the fact that he was a somewhat clueless about the feminine anger, and extremely awkward teenager, he still managed to get wary about that look. "Yeah, that's me...?"

"I think that you need some friends." Violet said, which immediately caused a resounding something from the gamer.

"Impossible. Even if I wasn't playing that game, I'd get bombarded by questions about Flora." Jaune answered, a frown entering his face. He loved his sister Flora to pieces, but it was really irritating that everyone kept on ranting about how she was the pinnacle of all aspiring Huntresses.

"...Is it because of Mom and Dad?" She asked, cautiously.

He was silent about that question. Whilst his parents may love him to pieces, he wasn't stupid... He saw their disappointed looks, hushed discussion when they thought that they were being silent, about what he was going to do in life.

His grades whilst not terrible, were barely passable in nearly every subject, he had no chance of going to Signal... Even his eldest sisters did the same, when they thought he wasn't there, or playing TF2.

And he despised it to his core. The only people that didn't do it, were his sisters Flora and Violet, but that was because of the fact that they thought that he had a chance of doing _something_ with his life.

He had hoped so, at the beginning... But it was looking hopeless. He had no friends, nothing of note to his name apart from being the failure of the Arc family. It was slowly catching up to him, mentally and emotionally.

"Yes." The blonde-haired boy answered, looking down at the carpet nervously. "I'm not stupid, I see the... _Looks_ on their faces. And I'm starting to see it on Lucy, Anna and Petra's faces as well. It's getting to me, you know?"

"Jaune. I have a proposition for you." She stated, with a serious expression. "Do you want to try, and get them to see you as somebody who is going to accomplish something?"

"...Yeah." He agreed, after a mere second of thought. But, he wasn't stupid. "Do you want to make me into a Huntsman?"

"Not if you don't want to." Was her simple response.

Whilst he was practically obsessed with video games, he had always been attracted by the thought of being a Huntsman - a hero. But, he had shown no particular talent for it, and due to that, he had drifted to video games, settling the deal that he either didn't want to become one, or that he had given up. The latter was unfortunately true in his case, which he admitted, was ashamed of his decision.

"I... Always wanted to be one. But do you really think, that you'll turn me into Beacon-material in barely a year?" Jaune asked, relatively cynically.

"Not exactly. Anyway, in general you should be nearly constantly training, so you'll catch up relatively easily." Violet said. "At least, that's how Flora told me that's how she did it."

"...I think that I'm going to wait for Flora, to actually get an idea for how it works." He stated, bluntly.

"Well, you called me and you got me. What's up?" asked a voice, that the two Arcs immediately recognized as their sister, the infamous Flora.

"Jaune wants to go to Beacon, and us two are gonna help him!" Violet told her sister, excitedly.

"Okay, he's agreed to it. But, what type of Huntsman do you want to be, Jaune?" His brown-haired sister asked, curiously.

He immediately thought of the Scout in TF2. He was extremely fast, could probably jump over any Grimm, and was his favourite out of all of the TF2 classes.

"Extremely fast, with a shotgun, a pistol and a baseball bat." The blonde listed, not noticing the stupefied stares of his sisters. "What? It's not that weird."

"That's oddly specific, Jaune. But how fast, exactly?" Flora said, cautiously for some reason.

"Fast enough that I could run away from you, without any Aura being used on my part." He answered, easily. "Because, you're one of the fastest Hunters on the planet according to Kotaku."

"I can go 50mph, and the fastest Hunter can go 70mph. Do you really need to go fast?" Flora asked, concernedly.

"Yup." Was his simple answer.

"Then you're going to go through hell on Remnant for that speed and weapons."

"Wha-AHHHHHH!"

* * *

 _Exactly five hundred thousand six hundred minutes in the future..._

Jaune looked at the airship, looking slightly terrified at the mere sight of it. "Oh no... We meet again, arch-nemesis."

He was wearing a simple sky blue t-shirt, with black trousers. The weirdest part of his outfit was a headset on his head, that didn't have a mic, but had a bottle of Coca-Cola with a straw going into his mouth.

He sucked on it for a split second, savouring the taste and continued his glaring match. He eventually got on, and as soon as it started, drank out of his bottle. He got a few weird looks, but ignored them with practised ease.

His sickness was being beaten back by the essentially drugged Coca-Cola, for Violet had put in a pill that dissolved as soon as it touched a liquid, that helped him against his airsickness. Didn't erase entirely, but it did stop him from vomiting and all that.

His trusty shotgun was on his back, as was his silver baseball bat, but his pistol was on his left side. All of the other students had their weapons, scrolls but not their luggage, which striked him as weird but he shook it off.

They were all Hunters, they were expected to fight off Grimm or something like that. He merely liked the fact that they hadn't confiscated his hat, for that exact reason.

What did they think that it shot out lightning bolts out of bottles? Actually... That might be an idea, for his SuperHat 5000©... If he ever managed to gain the help of a Schnee or something like that... Was kidnapping an option?

(Weiss suddenly felt as if she'd be pestered by two blonds nearly regularly, but shook it off with ease. It was impossible in her head of that simple event even happening.)

His thoughts eventually grew bored enough until he brought out his scroll, and plugged his headset into the device, and played the Warthog song from Red Vs Blue.

He resisted the urge to snigger, as he remembered the days of blasting this exact music whilst driving a car in nearly every game that featured that feature. It made even serious games, absolutely hilarious. Maybe one day, he'd get to recreate that scene.

After having it repeat for nearly ten times, Jaune eventually got off his nemesis and rapidly drank his Coca. He turned off his scroll, and reluctantly put his headset around his neck.

During this time, he had witnessed the amazing sight of a massive explosion with fire, electricity, and ice. A white-haired girl was starting to shout at the red-tinted girl, only to get interrupted by a black-haired girl.

It all ended when they all left the red-tinted one on the ground, who started lying on the ground.

"Need some help there?" He questioned, casually as he held out an expectant hand.

She helped herself out, and dusted herself off. "...Weren't you that guy who was drinking Coca-Cola in the airship?"

"Yup. Want some? I have a bottle that I haven't drunk out of yet." Jaune asked, easily pulling off a bottle from his headset to which he added as an afterthought, "Crater face."

"Er... Er..." The girl stumbled upon her own words, until accepting the proposed bottle. She drunk from it, and introduced herself in an attempt to regain her confidence. "I'm Ruby Rose."

"I'm Jaune, then. Sweet, short, and cool." He offered, carelessly.

"Is it?" She asked, curiously.

"Might be. It's better then 'the ladies love it', according to my sisters." The boy shrugged.

After a minute or so of awkward silence, Ruby suddenly pulled out a massive scythe from her back. "Well I've got this thing."

"Well, that's a big scythe." Jaune commented. "And I bet that it's also a gun?"

"How did you know that, it's a high impact sniper rifle?" The girl demanded, hugging her weapon against herself.

"Because nearly every weapon that I've seen, doubles as a gun." He replied, stretching and yawning at the same time.

"Oh... Do you know where we're going?" She asked, with a tilt to the head.

"Definitely," The Arc started.

"Cool-"

"Not." He finished, interrupting her. "But, if we miss out on anything, we can ask right?"

"What weapons do you have?" She asked, in an attempt to assuage her nervousness.

"An automatic shotgun that has a grappling hook attached to it, so that I can use to jump onto buildings or trees," Jaune replied, as he pulled out his shotgun. There was an ejector with a claw coming out, and rope wrapped around the gun.

"That... Is... Epic!" exclaimed Ruby, who literally had starry eyes at the sight of it.

Jaune let out a small smile, he liked having his work complimented even if it was about his weapon. "And the rest of my weapons are normal, like a semi-automatic 9mm pistol with armor piercing rounds, and a baseball bat."

"Why a baseball bat of all of the weapons in the world?" The girl asked, a curious expression once more entering her face.

"Because I accidentally broke my weapon... And decided that it's better to fight with a melee weapon, then to get destroyed because I'm so bad at fisting people." The boy replied, noticing his unintentional innuendo but finding the inner troll within himself, giggling in delight. He was just going to roll with it, personally.

"Fisting...?" Ruby whispered to herself, before she quickly realized what he was talking about. "Oh... You're talking about not being good at a fist fight?"

"Yup. There's another definition for fisting, but don't ask me the definition of that word, since that's for a sibling or something like that." The scout answered, with a slight smirk on his face. Whoever was Ruby's sibling, was going to get a surprise.

"Okay." The scythe-user said, so innocently that Jaune felt a bit of his soul dissipate from his body, at his troll. Which was unusual, since he had once managed to get an entire group of around thirty people to delete a specific file, which made the entire PC crash and never start again.

At the very least, he knew what was the cause of a faint scream of anger that echoed all around Vale.

Was Lord Gaben trying to get his soul to return from the depths of the gaming community? He had already lost it when he saw the amount of essentially hentai games, that were being sold for about ten lien, and the fact that his entire friend list had at least one.

And the fact that every game with female characters had at the very least a few fucking porn videos/images.

Essentially, he was the best friend of every Grimm for miles.

He noticed that Ruby was struggling to open the door, that was at least two times his height, and proceeded to kick it open and then at the very exact time, stub his toe and open the door.

"Fuck! Fucking piece of crappiest door! Fuck!" He yelled out in pain, as he jumped around in pain. "Fuck you, shitty-"

"Er... Jaune..." Ruby interrupted his jumping around, nervously prodding her fingers together.

"Wha-" The boy asked, before he noticed that he was interrupting the welcoming thing. He didn't know what to call it. "Oh."

"I'm... Er... Sorry?" He said, as everyone proceeded to stare at him and the small girl hiding behind him. "I'm just going to say that... Ruby didn't do anything."

He quickly pushed the girl forward into the crowd, that quickly accepted her.

"Haha." chuckled Ozpin, before quickly disguising as a cough at the glare that his teacher-in-arms was giving him. "As I was saying... Before I was ever so rudely interrupted."

"And..." Jaune spoke up, before quieting down at the massive glare that Glynda was giving the boy and Ozpin, _simultaneously._ It was impressive. The boy rapidly dissolved into very rude muttering.

"I see wasted energy that needs direction - preferably towards our main enemy: the Grimm. This energy however is wasted, and thus cannot be used against the Grimm and other enemies that you may encounter. People die in this near constant fight against our mortal enemies, for as long as even I can remember." Ozpin started.

However, a familiar blond menace under the name of Jaune Arc decided to let out a loud mutter of, "Shit. Haven't got enough money for that bet..."

The headmaster of Beacon could easily see what the youngest son of the Arcs was trying to do, augment positivity at his own rather grim speech... See what he did there? He was so smart. Anyway, and troll every other Huntsman/Huntress.

"Before I was once again rudely interrupted - oh. That's the time." The professor stated, smiling directly at Jaune Arc. "I think it's time that everyone gets something to eat, right?"

"Finally," cried out another blonde-haired menace, that he recognized as being Qrow's niece.

He paled as he suddenly realized something.

Two blonds.

With a Schnee.

In one place.

That was his school.

That had all of his caffeine and other less important stuff like school documents.

Gag. Paperwork.

He fainted on the spot, many people thinking that it was because of his caffeine consumption, not the ensuing disaster that was about to unfold.

* * *

Jaune was one of the most easily bored people in the history of Remnant. After doing a single training exercise, his sister noticed his twitch of doing something else that was without any context for the thing that they were doing, and had transformed it into another training exercise - reflexes and all that crap.

So, he was either randomly putting out various hilarious/annoying songs for everyone to enjoy (read: try to get through his skull that they were going to kill him any minute now), and absently drinking out of his bottle of soda.

"Would you please stop that music?" A black-haired girl asked, an irritated expression on her face. "I'm trying to read."

"Okay. Should've told me sooner, and I would have stopped." The teenager replied, completely missing the angry glares that nearly the entire room was giving him. Apart from a silver-eyed girl, of course.

"What's your name? I'm Jaune Arc, by the way." He questioned, a bored expression entering his face.

"Blake Belladonna." She replied, trying to get it through his skull that she wanted peace and quiet. Which wasn't going to happen very often, she mused with how bored he looked.

"Seems I beat a bet that my sisters ilmposed on me, that I'd barely get the names of a single person on my first day." He muttered to himself.

"Did your family really bet on that matter?" Blake couldn't help but ask, her curiosity overcoming her.

"Yep. Like the fact that I bet that my sister couldn't beat my score, on Rayman." Jaune replied, easily.

"Did you win?" The bow-wearing girl continued.

"Nope. I of course, destroyed her on how many time we'd die respectively getting to the final boss in Dark Souls 3." The boy answered.

"How did you do it?" She asked, her voice escaping before she could catch up with her mind, sounding desperate. Oh well.

"Easy - I got all of the good pyromancies, got a good amount of FP, faith and intelligence. And there is the fact that I used that thorned armour." Jaune explained, Blake abosrbing the information like a fish to water or a cat to tuna.

"Thanks. I needed that information." The girl stated stoically, despite the fact that she was practically ecstatic at the thought of beating that fucking thing. It killed her so very easily, due to the fact that it got a second life.

"So... Do you only play Dark Souls then?" He continued their conversation, easily. It was definitely easier talking to someone who held at the very least, one game series that he liked.

"Er... No. I've played Pokémon a bit when I was younger, and Team Fortress 2 -" She started, before Jaune got in her face and demanded, "What character do you main?"

"Pyro and Sniper." Blake answered, before narrowing her eyes and adding, "What do _you_ main?"

"Scout and Medic." He replied, before smirking at her. "We'll have to play one day... Noob."

"Says the one who plays Medic." She retorted.

"At least I main a guy who's _difficult_ to play." Jaune stated.

"Wait?" The bow-wearing teenager asked, "Are you seriously saying that Sniper isn't difficult?"

"Er... Actually, no. It's just that Pyro are the most annoying to play against as a Scout or any class that's close range." The gamer replied, scratching his head embarrasedly.

"And what do you main in Overwatch?" She questioned.

"Don't you know that you're supposed to play _everyone_ at the very least decently in that game?" He answered, with an eyebrow raised.

"Everyone mains any character in those type of games, and you know that."

"Fine... I like Reaper, Mei, Genji and Lucio." Jaune admitted, before motioning for her to reply as well.

"Tracer, Winston and Hanzo." She continued, and she heard the boy in front of her chuckle, causing her to ask, "What are you laughing at?"

"Sorry, it's just the fact that we main characters that cancel eachover out, which is rather funny."

"GO TO BED!" A white girl screeched, and Jaune was immediately thrown against a wall, knocking him out.

"Might as well do as extremely tight lady says," Blake told herself, before silently appreciating the fact that the boy had taken the time to try and talk to her.

"Innuendo..." came out of Jaune's mouth, before he officially blacked out.

* * *

"Er... Mercury?" A green-haired girl asked her partner, who was currently looking at the flamethrower with sudden attention that was completely out of character for him.

"What?" He asked, distractedly as sudden thoughts of fire that would put even his boss to shame, entered his mind.

"Why are you staring at that flamethrower like it's a piece of meat?" She asked, before her silver-haired partner turned around, his eyes shining with an absolutely maniacal look.

She backed away, slowly.

"Emerald... Are you willing to help me steal something... That is obviously the flamethrower right in front of me?" The assassin asked, as he stalked towards his partner.

"..." She started, before deciding that her partner bringing the entire police force to their doorstep wasn't worth the effort, and started agreeing, albeit reluctantly. "Sure. Let me do it."

As the girl quickly entered the store and started doing her work, Mercury muttered to himself, "Soon the reign of the Pyro shall be supreme!"

* * *

 **AN:** I don't even know what I have written.

Jaune and Mercury are set into becoming their idols - the Scout and Pyro respectively?

Please note that this is a completely unserious story, that is a parody at this point.

Also, I'm going to have a laugh with this story.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Hmm. The response to this story is extremely good, and I appreciate everyone who bothers to even read this story, let alone follow it, favourite it and all that jazz.

On the matter of romance... Don't expect much of anything. At all. Take that as your own interpretation, by the way.

Spoilers for this chapter... Are your ready? Alright. Teams are going to get fucked up this chapter, so people who dislike that... IDK, go read Coeur's stories. They're much better quality then my own anyway.

Reasons for changing the classic line up of teams is at the bottom.

Any plotholes... Er...

Just try not to fall in them, okay?

Edited as of 13/08/16 for spelling errors.

-*-/|\\-*-

Team Fortress: Remnant

Chapter II

Destructive Initiations

* * *

"Emerald..." Cinder asked, cautiously. "Why is Mercury holding a flamethrower like it's a teddy bear?"

"...Seriously though, don't ask." She replied, slapping her head with her palm. "He's been like this, ever since he _saw_ the damn thing."

"Oi! Don't talk about me like that. I'm probably going to get hurt emotionally." Mercury interrupted as he put the massive nearly two meter flamethrower on his back, the end of it going over his height by about 20 centimetres.

"You haven't gotten hurt ever since we recruited you." Emerald deadpanned, as she looked over her partner.

"Pff. You were the one to get me this thing." He retorted, before snatching off the money that she was about to offer for him to shut up.

"Hey! I needed that!"

"You were going to spend it on hair products, and at least I'm using to get something useful... Like booze." The assassin stated, before his boss put her hand on his shoulder, and said, "Get me some as well. I'll double your pay for the month...!"

"Sure... See you later!" He exclaimed before running out of the compound, his boots making him go even faster.

"Do you think that I'll have to pay for even more damage?" Cinder asked, exasperatedly. She felt that it wasn't worth the conquest of Remnant, if there were even more people like Mercury, at this point.

"Or you could get Roman to perform a bank robbery?" The illusionist replied, as she looked over her guns.

"That would cost even more money, and would get interference by another batch of stupidly strong students... Or proper Huntsman." She countered.

"Unless we get the very person who might cause all this damage, to accompany him." Emerald stated, and she noticed how her boss hmm'ed at that.

"That's an idea. He has been pleading for a mission, recently..."

In the meantime, Mercury was looking around for some alcohol and noted that all of that _very_ specific item was incredibly expensive at the moment. He scowled, before realizing that he had nearly an entire at his disposal.

Well, at Cinder's disposal, but that was unimportant.

Thus, he strolled over to Junior's, arriving in front of two henchmen who were stationed in front of the bar. "Hey, would you be willing to let a young stallion that might/will be able to kill you, a chance to come in?"

"You're not getting past us, kid." The dumb muscle stated, bluntly.

Mercury certainly had a few pyromaniac tendencies, but he knew when to use it and when not to. And he really did not want to kill them.

He lashed out with his boot, kicking one in the jaw with his right foot, before proceeding to step on the fallen dude's neck. Lightly, of course.

The assassin smiled happily, and asked, "If you're not stupid, and if you value the life of your comrade... And your pay, thinking about it."

"Fine. Get in, you psychopath." Henchmen #2 grunted, as he motioned (read: pushed) Mercury into the bar.

He smirked and stalked over to Junior who looked vaguely ruffed up. "So, what the fuck happened to you?"

"Oh. Mercury Black. Wondered when you'd come here." The man stated, uncaring about the matter.

"Hmm. Since I've been given free reign for the day, I wondered if you could get me and my boss a lot of booze. Alcohol, if you prefer." He stated, with a completely straight face.

"Wait a second... You've threatened the life of my men, and beat the shit out of one of them... For a few fucking beers?!" Junior exclaimed; his eyes becoming incredulous.

"Rather obviously, over-wise I wouldn't have traces of man sweat on my feet." The criminal dead-panned

"Get out." He ordered, as he reached under the table, and two girls came to his sides.

"Before you get too out of your basket, I think that it's worth a mention that I have a flamethrower and I _know_ how to use it." Mercury stated, bluntly as he pulled out the massive flamethrower.

"O-ok. I-i think that we can do business..." Junior stuttered. There was a point that Marcus Black's son was even more scary then his old man... Who was incredibly scary.

"Cool! Five hundred thousand beers in about two weeks, will be good right? I'll pay it back with my skills, of course." Mercury proposed, smirking as he sheathed his flamethrower.

"Yeah... Sure. Come back in two weeks time, Black." The dealer stated, as he waved the assassin off. When the psychopath was gone, he fell back down on his chair.

"Fucking hell," he cursed. "Well, I think that I'm going to have to get back into the hot seat..."

* * *

Jaune Arc woke up with a ringing headache, that swore to make itself worse if he heard a particular white-haired girl.

"Ow. Has the apocalypse happened yet?" He asked aloud, before standing up not bothering to change. He didn't even smell, or got any major dirt on his outfit, so he kept it on.

His weapons were in locker... Shit. He had forgotten.

He quickly ran off, crashing in about twelve people in the space of barely two minutes. He shouted out a quick, "I'm _not_ sorry," and continued on his path, before tripping and somehow managing to land on the lockers, sending them all flying.

As screams were shouted all over Beacon, Jaune praised the Sun since he noticed that his weapons were completely unharmed. He picked them up, and put them on his back.

"WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!?" Goodwitch roared at the utter carnage that a single scout had caused.

"Well, the lockers all fell over for some reason, and in the chaos I found my weapons." The culprit explained, ignoring the people that saw him do it.

The blonde woman looked over at her soon-to-be-student, and narrowed her eyes at the straight-faced blond, before deciding that it wasn't worth the time to try and get a real answer from anyone, and merely waved her riding crop.

"Damn son..." Jaune muttered, under his breath. "That's one powerful lady."

The room had set itself back together with a single wave of that crop. Innuendoooo... Shut up. The gamer inside him demanded that he ask how the hell she did that, even if it was merely her Semblance... But he managed to resist, as a wide-eyed look took over.

Apparently she noticed, since she let out a small smirk at him, before straightening her face before anyone noticed her joy.

As she walked away, the culprit of this entire disaster quickly ran off towards where they were supposed to do their landing strategy... But managed to crash once more in Ozpin, sending the boy flying as the headmaster stayed standing.

"So... Sudden change of plans?" The scout questioned from his position on the ground.

"Yep. We've planned to throw you from the roof." The silver-haired man stated, bluntly.

"Hmm. Is cheating allowed?" Jaune asked, hopefully.

"If you can do it before Glynda notices, then yes." The man offered, as he sipped his coffee.

"Mmmmaaayyyybbbeeee not." He dead-panned He wasn't stupid - that was one overpowered teacher... Like Ozpin, in hindsight.

"So, you've finally understood not to cross her, then?" The headmaster said, with a straight face.

"Yep."

"Then you're not one of the stupid ones."

And the headmaster walked off, and the boy decided to follow him... Since he had no idea where the fuck they were supposed to go.

In about fifty minutes, he finally arrived where all the students were... All alone. There he was, that bastard!

"Now, before I was so rudely interrupted... Yes, we are going to throw you off this roof towards the forest. Try to survive, you idiotic brats." Ozpin said, with utter boredom as he deftly dodged the crop that threatened to hit his head.

As Jaune walked onto the landing pod, he asked loudly, "My final words are... FUCK YOU, OZZZZPIIIINNNN!"

"How rude. I'm going to give him full marks for the rest of term." Ozpin commented, before walking off... To plan the finances of the school. Which was all going to coffee... And payments for damage.

* * *

"Hmm... At least, I won a bet before I died!" He exclaimed, before he got an idea that only a destructive scout like him could think off.

He shot his grapple towards a tree, and as it landed, he swung backwards, landing feet first on a tree ripping the roots out. Thank Nocturne for the fact that the rule of cool is still in play!

A tear rolled from his eye as he realized that he hadn't cause as much destruction as he had planned to, which he immediately remedied his sadness by playing a song that he enjoyed trolling with...

A song called 'Bonfire' that was based on Thomas the Tank Engine was currently playing, and he found himself running around narrowly avoiding all contact with any Grimm, and somehow managing to score rather devastating body-shots on the ones that did find themselves in his way.

This song was absolutely magnificent, he mused amusedly as he threw his grapple hook towards a tree, launching himself forward. He crashed face first into a person, and then bounced crashing into a tree, causing it to fall over.

"Fucking hell... Everything that is remotely stable hates me... Ow." The scout stated, wincing. Holy shit that hurt.

"Hey? You alright?" A girl that he vaguely recognized as Blake asked, concernedly.

"I'm _perfect_. Aura'll regenerate what brain power I lost." He offered, before standing up and looking around. "So, we're partners or some shit?"

"Yeah... Filthy casual." Blake taunted, and he narrowed his eyes.

"Says the filthy camper." He returned, before adding, "Anyway, what the hell are we supposed to be doing?"

"Now that I think of it, Ozpin didn't say what we were supposed to do." She replied, frowning in contempt.

"He's a bastard, in all honesty." Jaune said, before marching towards the sun.

"Hey! Where are you going?" She exclaimed in surprise.

"Towards the east, which is give or take where Beacon is." He answered, insightfully. "And if we meet any Grimm, eliminate all of the mean ones. Other people are probably going east as well, which is a bonus."

"That's... Good reasoning." The bow-wearing girl admitted, before following him rather easily.

After twenty minutes or so, a strange Grimm vaguely looking like a Labrador wandered towards them. Jaune widened his eyes, as he cooed. "Awww! That's is one cute dog!"

"Er... He's a Grimm, Jaune." Blake dead-panned

"And? He's not attacked us or even noticed us. Grimm can sense emotions from quite far away, so he should have noticed us by now." He explained, ignoring her look of 'I know that'.

"Hey, boy!" The scout called out, as he walked towards the famished dog.

It turned towards him, and with his red eyes, looked at him analytically. "What the hell are you doing out here, by yourself?"

It shrugged, and strolled towards him before sitting down and slumping. "Okay. I'm Jaune and this is my partner Blake, and I've decided to call you... Dog."

"Wait, seriously?" The girl recoiled. "What kind of name is Dog?"

"Well it's easy to remember, and it's way cooler then a name like Zwei." He reasoned, sagely.

"You might have a point there..." Blake admitted, before Jaune ordered the dog-like Grimm called Dog, to follow them.

Dog quickly ran after them, trotting in front of the two and sniffing the air. Essentially, it did regular dog things.

"At least, he isn't going to lick his arse or some shit like that." The scout reminded his partner.

"Eurgh. Don't remind me that all other dogs do that." She coiled her lips into a disgusted frown. "But, what are we going to feed him?"

"Do Grimm even eat, apart from thriving off negative energy?" He asked, curiously.

"How the hell should I know?" She replied, adding, "Let's just find that out when we get there, shall we?"

"Fine by me, partner." He said, without any thought before ordering, "Dog, try and er..."

"Find?" Blake said for him.

"Yeah, find some humans. You know the ones with a soul." He stated, and when the Grimm merely opened an eye, he sweetened the deal. "We'll... Get you some bones!"

Dog perked up and sprinted towards the sun before either Blake or Jaune could react.

"DOG! GET BACK HERE!" He bellowed, as he followed the dog before it got killed by some idiots.

"WAIT UP!" Blake yelled, as she ran after her partner.

* * *

"Ozpin?" Glynda asked, tersely.

"Yes, Glynda?" The silver-haired troll responded. "Are you concerned by the fact that Mister Arc and Miss Belladonna have managed to befriend a Grimm?"

"Yes! That Grimm might be merely trying to get them by surprise." The concerned teacher said.

"I don't think that, if only for the fact that I also used to have a pet Grimm." He answered, bluntly. "And he was my best friend for a good while."

"There is also the fact that you haven't even given them an assignment to complete," Goodwitch muttered, as she slumped onto a chair, stretching her back tiredly.

"They'll survive," he waved it off. "I personally think that this'll go either very right, or very wrong."

"We'll intervene right, if it gets too dangerous?" Glynda asked, and at seeing him nod, quickly perked up. "I'll be back in a bit."

"Don't do anything that is not for minors," Ozpin warned, with a small sip of his coffee.

"Huh?" coughed out the teacher, barely managing to get a glare in, because of her surprise.

* * *

"FUCK! ME!" Jaune yelled in fear as he hastily launched his grapple towards a tree, that caused him to crash into a tree which uprooted it. (No trees were harmed in the making of this fanfiction.)

"MOVE!" Blake screamed as she nearly kicked him in the back of the head, but in a burst of good luck, narrowly avoided the incredibly destructive teenager.

"Well," He stated, as he brushed off invisible dirt from his t-shirt, "That went well."

"Shut up," she ordered snappily. "We have to-"

"Shh. Dog seems to have found something," the scout said as he rapidly put a hand on her lips, blocking out any sound.

"Humph!"

"Sorry," he apologized, before she started breathing in and out.

"Don't do that." She warned, before removing her sword from her sheath.

"Oi, no team-killing over-wise you're getting a seven day ban!" He retorted, before quickly running after his wayward dog.

"It's only thirty minutes..." Blake muttered, before following her partner.

"DOG! GET BACK HERE, YOU BLOODY MUTT!" The gamer bellowed, once more as he quickly threw his grapple hook towards a tree, continuously pulling himself forward.

Eventually they found a clearing, with Dog cautiously backing away from a group of six with... Very painful weapons.

"Oi! That's my mutt!" The boy jumped in between the two.

"It's a Grimm." A blonde-haired girl dead-panned

"And that's racist." He returned, absently stroking the supposedly dangerous monster's chin.

"Jaune? There's a freaking massive black bird behind you." Blake offered to her partner, as she brandished her weapons.

"I know," he automatically answered, before waking up and launching his hook towards the bird as it dodged.

He forcefully pulled on the string, and it suddenly switched trajectory, landing on the bird's wing.

"Alright. I got a fucking Talonflame!" He proclaimed, before pulling backwards on the thing, quickly grabbing Blake and throwing himself and the girl onto the Grimm.

"What was your idea with this?" She asked, as she hastily grabbed the Grimm's bony appendages.

"Forcing it onto the ground, so that we can kill it with the help of those six." He admitted, as he started firing his shotgun towards the bird's wings. It did little to no damage, but it was slowly forcing itself through the rough feathers.

"Blake, just keep on stabbing or firing in the same spot. That'll eventually get through it's feathers," the scout continued.

"Alright." She stated, as she continuously stabbed into the thing's armour, but before doing so, hastily looped her arms through her partner's hook.

"O-! Calm down Pidgeot!" He snapped, as he pulled on his grappling hook turning it's wings, as it attempted to fire piercing feathers onto their allies. He managed to swerve in such a way that it went above them, instead right in their faces.

"Did you get through?" Jaune asked calmly, as he continued twisting and turning the bird.

"No... Do you have any armour piercing bullets?" She questioned, before raising an eyebrow at the pistol that he handed her.

"They're 5.7×28mm Dust bullets... They don't pack much punch, but they do their job." He elaborated, before she nodded.

Blake carefully positioned the pistol, and suddenly held the trigger. The gun fired continuously, and Jaune suddenly grabbed her hands, steadying it.

"Don't waste any ammo, all right? You filthy sprayer." The scout counselled, a small smirk on his face.

"Shut up, you COD: Infinite Warfare lover." The girl retorted, without much thought.

"Oi, I resent that! That game is only gonna get bought because of the Modern Warfare remaster!" The Arc exclaimed, as he hastily hooked back in his hook into the feathers of the beast.

"Jaune... I think that we've already got a hole." She said, as she pointed towards his grappling hook.

"Wow. Okay, I'll take your sword, and you take my pistol and we'll both puncture the hole, alright?" He said, as he removed his hook and quickly placed it in a small crevice in the beast's armour.

"Okay... Three, two, one, go!" Blake said, as she fired off shots and he stabbed in her sword, right after. The beast squawked, and Jaune capitalized that and forcefully with all of his strength and two hands, pierced through the wing, effectively disabling it's flying ability as it forcefully crashed into the ground.

"PIDGEOT USE BRAVE BIRD!" He yelled, as he pushed the massive bird towards the ground head first.

"Move out of the way!" She added, loudly at the people below.

The Grimm crashed into the ground, which immediately formed a small crater and Jaune immediately jumped out of it, landing head first onto the ground.

"It seems like that was birdiful!" The blonde girl joked, and the scout immediately booed.

"Boo! Worst pun of the year! Like Infinite Warfare!" He quipped.

"How about we get the presentations out of the way?" A red-haired girl with a tiara, asked.

Jaune squinted at her, for a second before shaking his head. "Well, this is Blake, and I'm Jaune. What about you guys?"

"I can introduce myself, you know..." The bow-wearing ninja muttered to herself.

"Alright... I'm Pyrrha, and this is Weiss, Ruby, Ren, Nora and Yang." Pyrrha continued, calmly.

"Hmm... I definitely recognize you from somewhere..." The scout said, and before anyone could say anything, he snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah! My sister said a joke about how there was a Pyrrha that was voted most sexy young Huntress in the public eye!"

"Wait what?" Weiss blinked at that reasoning, before snapping, "No you dolt! She's won the Mistral Tournament three times!"

"Sorry... Was too busy 1v5'ing some scrubs that were about ten years old." He replied, looking at his nails pointedly.

"She's on the Pumpkin Pete cereal box!" She said, waving her hands in the air.

"Sorry... My dad was too busy going, 'damn son, where d'you find this?'." He dead-panned, sarcastically. "I personally don't give a shit that she's a fucking celebrity."

"Let's move on, shall we?" A black-haired boy interrupted.

"Yeah!" shouted an orange-haired girl.

"Let's go," Jaune ordered, marching off towards the cliffs. "OI, GET BACK HERE, YOU STUPID DOG!"

* * *

"Mercury... What the fuck happened?" Cinder inquired, as she gazed at her silver-haired subordinate that had caused this mess.

"YOLO." The assassin automatically answered. "That's my only reason."

"Wait, seriously? You caused us to get put behind bars, for the YOLO?" Emerald dead-panned, restraining her urge to strangle her partner.

"It's a perfectly valid excuse," He replied. "Anyway, I've got a plan..."

"What's your plan?" Their boss inquired, who was currently in other clothing from her norm... Including her underwear. For the perfectly valid reason, of the fact that she had loaded her clothes with fire Dust, so that she didn't constantly exhaust herself from using her powers.

"I still have my boots." Mercury revealed, as he pulled up his trouser leg.

"Wait, they managed to detect Dust from my entire wardrobe, but not your bionic legs?" The half-Maiden questioned.

"Don't question the legs." He stated, completely seriously as he strolled towards the prison door, and kicked it. The poor door flew out, and hit a guard right in the side.

"Hello, miss." Mercury asked, before turning the poor woman towards Cinder and Emerald. "Where are our files, and weapons?"

"Are you'll do what?" She asked, challengingly.

"Or I'm going to headshot noscope you across the map. With a shotgun." He threatened, MLG sun glasses suddenly appearing on his face.

"Okay, okay! I'm going to!" She exclaimed in fear of the MLG... And the stale montages.

"Go on. Or I will call upon the Teletubbies and Snoop Dog." He continued as the guard quickly ran towards their records in absolute fear. He whispered towards Cinder, "I know that this is not my place, but could you destroy all of the cameras?"

She smirked at him. "That's my kind of thinking, Mercury."

"Thought so." He replied, as he quickly ran after the guard.

"Has the world gone insane?" Emerald muttered to herself, irritably as she flung her hands into the air. This was _not_ normal!

 _A few meters in front... (i dunno why i'm doing this, please send help)_

"Hey, you got my flamethrower?" Mercury asked the guard, his MLG sun glasses still on.

"Yes I do, lord MLG." The guard grovelled at his feet, in utter respect for the MLG.

"Good. What's your name?" He asked, honestly curious.

"Aqua Keel." She stated.

"Well, Aqua it seems that you are my first subordinate... In the conquering of the world." Mercury said, as he sheathed his flamethrower on his back.

"Yes, my lord. I will delete all of the documents that they have on you and my fellow subordinates." Aqua acquiesed as she rapidly typed onto a computer.

"Good good." The pyromaniac waved, as Cinder strolled over.

"Are we nearly done here?" She asked.

"Yep. Aqua's just deleting some information on us." He replied.

"Wait? You managed to get this guard as our subordinate?" The illusionist questioned, tiredly as she questioned why she was working with a bunch of insane power mongers.

"No, I am Lord Mercury's subordinate." Aqua stated, as the assassin quickly handed Cinder and Emerald their stuff. "Aren't you?"

"Now, now Aqua. Let's just concentrate on getting out of here." He amended the situation. "Hey Cinder, just destroy this computer just in case?"

She quickly threw a fire ball, and glared at Mercury. He of course, pointedly ignored it. Or didn't notice, nobody knows.

"HAHAHA! I'M A CHARIZARD USING FLAMETHROWER!" The gamer exclaimed, as he quickly broke out... In front of the news.

"Let's go!" He said, as he quickly added, "I am CHARIZARD! THE BIGGEST BADASS ON PLANET REMNANT! FEAR ME!"

* * *

"Jaune? Why are you watching the news?" Blake asked, curiously.

"Just listen to this... I fucking knew that the MLG would strike again!" Jaune cursed, as he upped the volume.

"Now on 11! The newest criminal on the block called Charizard! He has managed to kidnap three young women as slaves, and now we ask Bill on his opinion on the subject." Lisa Lavender reported.

"I think that this Charizard is an even bigger threat to Remnant then the Grimm are! I hope that we find those women soon!" Bill ranted.

"So is Charizard as big of threat as Bill says? Nobody knows..."

And Jaune suddenly turned it off, ranting about why choose the name Charizard and why Pyros followed him, everywhere.

* * *

 **AN:** Oo

Er... Don't ask my reasoning on the whole Mercury thing... But I'll happily explain why I fucked up the teams!

Quick spoilers, the teams are rather close to the original. In a way.

Firstly, there is team JBNR, and team RYPW.

And, firstly the leaders are Jaune and Ruby, obviously. Ruby has Yang as a partner, and Weiss got Pyrrha. The rest are rather obvious.

Reasoning. Firstly, is that Jaune has only interacted with Blake and Ruby before the initiation, unlike cannon. Meanwhile, Ruby has only interacted with Jaune, Yang and Weiss... Similarly to cannon.

So, the results is an extremely convoluted team organization... I'm going to elaborate next chapter, but you get my gist right?


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** I know that Author's notes are annoying, but I have a good reason... (i don't, because i'm just stalling, pls don't hate)

Seriously, though this story is already one of my favourites to write, especially since the response is extremely good.

To the review that says that this is merely if Mercury was a meme, the novel... You're not entirely wrong... But very wrong at the same time. I do enjoy his scenes, though... It might be the fact that it's rather incredible that no-one has tried to even understand what I plan to do with him.

And the lore... Er...

I think that I'm going back to the Batcave... _Now, Alfred._

Brave Bird is a generation 4 move that the Pidgey family can learn through breeding, by the way, IWEYC... Or whatever the hell your name is.

I also think that I was intoxicated whilst writing this. Is that weird?

No. It isn't, according to the internet. Huh.

* * *

-*-/|\\-*-

Team Fortress: Remnant

Chapter III

Drill

* * *

"Jaune... What the hell are you doing?" Ren asked, tiredly as he suddenly woke up to massive bangs. Yes, he was put on a team with Jaune, Nora and luckily for his already shaky sanity, Blake.

"I'm trying to get... Us... A... Good... Gaming... Setup..." His leader huffed, as Dog quickly handed him a spanner.

"Please don't tell me that you spent our student's fund for the month on all that?" The black-haired boy pleaded. He had planned on getting an eye-mask, and ear plugs so that he could sleep for a few hours!

"Nah... Only 95% of it..." The scout said, as he finally managed to get the TV onto the wall.

"95%. Of a freaking 5000 lien budget?!" The second ninja in their team despaired.

"It's not _that_ bad... I've spent 7000 lien on this shit." Jaune panted, as he heaved up a massive fifty centimetre by twenty centimetre computer underneath the desk.

"7000 lien... Kill me now." Ren muttered, as he buried his head under the covers.

"Ren, if you help me get this shit up the stairs, I'll stop Nora from bothering you for an entire afternoon..." The destroyer of the entire Emerald Forest stated. Don't ask how that happened... According to Blake, she had given him a single red Dust bullet for merely a minute.

"Wait, you're serious?" The pink-eyed boy jumped out of bed, as he grabbed Jaune by the shoulders and shook him desperately.

"Sure. Just get the console, and those games, and I'll get the PC games alright?"

"There aren't as many games on my pile then there are on yours..." He commented, as he picked up the PS4 Neo, Uncharted 4, and Rayman Legends.

"I'm normally PC master race, but I decided to get a few games/console so that we'd get to play together." He admitted, before adding, "And the exclusives are way better on PS4 in general."

"If you say so." Ren said, as he quickly loaded a few other games from the pile into the cabinets. Jaune merely dumped the PC games onto the desk, and rapidly took a keyboard and a mouse, and plugged it in.

"I need an excuse to make Nora go away... So would you mind installing these games? If you know how." The scout said, bluntly.

"Of course I know how... I do play these kind of things once in a while." He pointed out, as he quickly inserted Uncharted 4 into the PS4.

"Just checking... Well, I'm gonna try and convince Nora in the meanwhile, alright?" The leader warned as Ren waved him off.

"Yeah, yeah... I'll be fine, alright?"

Ren didn't even know what he was getting into.

Jaune quickly ran towards the cafeteria, narrowly avoiding a group of students in the process of him trying to catch Nora in the middle of _something_.

"Jauney!" The orange-haired girl cried out from her position... As a literal mountain of pancakes sat in front of her.

The scout barely even reacted, and immediately grabbed the girl by the shoulders. "Nora, could you not bother Ren this afternoon, please?"

"Why? Is he doing something extremely important?" The hammer wielder asked, concentrating on her leader.

"Yup. He's trying to set up our devices so that we can play together on a PS4/PC... Which is so important that the world could collapse if that doesn't happen -" The gamer ranted, stopping only when Blake quickly grabbed an apple and shoved it into his mouth, cutting him short.

"I think that we got the point." She told her leader. "But, why not get both the Xbox One and PS4?"

As he inhaled into his mouth, and unleashed the apple onto the nearest plate - that was incidentally his own, and replied. "I'm not paying for Xbox Live Gold just for some stupid cosmetics or some shit. Anyway, everyone uses the Schnee OS instead of fucking Windows 10."

"If you say so..." Blake trailed off, before he started saying something else.

"And there are way more gullible shitstains on the Playstation then the Xbox," he continued, with a shit-eating grin on his face. "This one guy back home called IWEYC that rage-quit towards the PS4 when I trolled him back on ESO... Good times."

"Oh wait! Ren also did the same thing on that one game called... Er... Black Ops 3?" Nora interrupted, her eyes sparkling. "Can I also play?"

"If you promise not to destroy it if you play Dark Souls 3 with me." The first ninja stated, completely utterly seriously.

"I don't destroy everything in sight... That's more Jaune's forte." The green-eyed girl said.

"Hey! I resent that!" Jaune exclaimed, before getting a massive deadpan look from Blake. "Er... At least, if you don't give me any Dust..."

"At all." The bow-wearer muttered.

"Also, where the hell is Dog?" He continued, pointing the question towards his partner/ignoring what she had said.

"He's at the nurse, who's still trying to figure out why he's not trying to kill anybody." She replied, easily. "It's probably the fact that we're giving him bones, every night."

"Who the fuck knows? I personally think that everyone is being paranoid..." He replied, bluntly.

"Yeah!" Nora cheered. "Dog's the least evil and most cool animal on the planet that the author is resisting calling Earth!"

 _I resent that, personally._

"Yep. He isn't _Grimm._ " Yang piped up, suddenly, grinning like she was certifiably insane.

Jaune rapidly took the plate, and slammed onto his forehead, knocking himself out. Before that, defying all of the laws on consciousness that any planet had, he quipped, "Boo!"

"Oi! That took me nearly five hours to come up with!" She exclaimed, her eyes... Having anime tears?

Ren finally came down after installing all of the games (Beacon's Wi-Fi was fibre optic, don't ya know), and noticed the chaos that his leader had brought, and merely restrained the urge to murder something. What he did instead, was run towards one of the many gyms that this absolutely massive school had, and furiously destroyed any robots that were in his way.

Shirtless, because he was a _man._ Unlike a certain blonde guy.

* * *

Mercury was officially bored. Now normally that would only spell terror among his associates, now that he was Charizard the crime lord, he had... Well, the entirety of Vale to terrorize.

Cinder had told him that unlike what he had originally thought, (that well his rather incredible body was going to her pet Nevermore), that he was the figurehead of this organization.

He personally didn't give a royal shit about what her plan was, and was playing an extremely fun game: Doom 4. Or Doom 2016. Or just Doom.

Let's just say that he was getting inspired by one of the weapons that he used the most because it was so freaking overpowered - the Plasma Rifle. Whilst it didn't have the same amount of sheer killing power as either the Chainsaw, the Chaingun or the BFG, it was much more useful.

The Chainsaw had a weird system of tiers, and he couldn't use it against bosses. The Chaingun had a rather annoying habit of getting him murdered by the faster demons, and the BFG was simply unviable against a single enemy if only for the fact that he personally mainly used it in clearing massive rooms of demons.

Thus the Plasma Rifle was his winner of the overpowered as fuck weapon in the most amount of situations. And it was a good long range weapon as well since he found the fact that he mainly focused to close-to-mid range of combat was annoying since he was the one terrorizing Vale.

But the problem was the fact that he reckoned that there weren't a lot of people willing to make such a devastating weapon that was obviously made in the intent of completely slaughtering... Well, anybody.

Unless, Atlas had something in the works? He had completed Junior's job a day ago, so maybe he could get a bit of information on the matter?

Atlas was the best equivalent of the UAC in Remnant, so it probably wasn't that bad of a wild guess that they'd have it.

Or he might have to go to Hell to get it? Peh. Who the fuck knows?

"Mercury? Are you still playing that Doom game?" Emerald demanded, her hands on her hips.

"Yep. And do you want to help me... With some weaponry problems?" The criminal asked, with a smirk.

She closed her eyes, and let out a massive sigh but nodded, albeit reluctantly. "Are we bringing Aqua?"

"Definitely. She's a decent fighter." He stated, as the girl suddenly appeared in his face.

"You were talking about me?" Aqua asked, her eyes wide.

Mercury took a step back, and replied, "Yep. I'm just gonna get Neo as well..."

"Wait, you're getting that psychotic demon to help us?!" Emerald yelped in surprise.

"She's cool with me..." He muttered under his breath, closing one eye and gazing back at the green-haired girl. "Meh. Don't care, I'm getting her anyway."

He walked down the hallway, and found her... Eating what remained of the ice cream. He shrugged, and called out, "Oi, Neo. We're going to acquire weapons from a nearby Atlas weapons place. Want to come?"

She stopped devouring ice cream, and raised an eyebrow as if asking 'what's in it for me', before adding, 'relatively sexy man'?

"We'll use whatever money that we can obtain, to get you whatever the hell you want." Mercury bargained. "And since I'm now a wanted criminal, you can be one of my sidekicks... With Roman, Emerald and Aqua of course. And Cinder if she wants to..."

"Iiiii aaammmmm iiiinnnn." A rather drunk voice sounded out, that the assassin rather easily recognized as Roman.

"Yep, you're in, drunken ass-hole who's disrespected the MLG. Now, let's ask Cinder..." The criminal continued, as he noticed that Neo had a rather creepy smile on her face as she followed him and Roman.

"About what?" Cinder asked, as she delicately sipped her wine and revealed quite a lot of her body since she was only wearing a small t-shirt and shorts.

Mercury didn't even notice, his mind completely filled with thoughts of his future weapon and the fact that he could use his MLG glasses once more. "About the fact that me, Neo, Emerald, this drunken ass, and Aqua are gonna raid a nearby Atlas weapon store. Wanna come?"

"Definitely, since none of you console peasants are capable of flying a airship." She quipped, as she put on her outfit over what she was currently wearing. Yes, she had been corrupted by the fact that Mercury had introduced her to Skyrim, Fallout, and Doom 2016. And of course, TF2.

"I resent that..." The Lord of the MLG stated. "Since I'm the Franklin around here."

"Just follow the gooodddamn train, CJ..." Roman coughed out, as he chugged another beer from his inventory.

 _Roman declares war on America, confirmed?_

Mercury did the perfectly normal thing, of suddenly jumping into the arms of Cinder and looking around. "Fuck! They're about to get me!"

The woman gazed down at Mercury, and sniffed in contempt. "Pff. Console peasants."

Neo was the only person that noticed that she was still holding onto the assassin, snickering as she recorded it with her scroll. Damn that was going to go viral on the internet, she mused giggling at the thought.

* * *

Ozpin quickly turned on his computer, and clicked on Skype and typed a message towards Salem, saying, 'why did u creat dat dog'

She replied with a quick, 'Learn better grammar and spelling, you scrub. And I created it because I wanted to.'

'ok just wonder why' was his archaic reply, before he quickly added, '& did u also hav somethin to do with dat charizar pkmn'

'Eurgh. You disgust me, Ozpin with your utter noobiness. And yes, indirectly. What about that Jaune guy?' Salem answered, just as fast.

'in a way' the headmaster typed in. 'hope ur still playin mario'

'I switched to Rayman, you Nintendo child. I even play that Pokémon Go game.' She responded.

'what level'

'I am Level 30. What about you?'

'level 31, you antisocial witch'

'Rich coming from a pensioner.'

Glynda entered the room, thirty minutes later with Ozpin screaming at his computer, and a woman screaming back.

She pinched her nose, and decided that watching trainee Huntsmen/Huntresses was much more saner then hearing two of the most powerful figures that are the most powerful that Remnant has ever seen.

* * *

Jaune woke up to Blake lugging him around by her shoulder, his shoes trailing on the ground. He poked the girl on the shoulder, causing her to throw him over her shoulder.

"Ow! What was that for?" He asked from his position on the floor.

"Er... Sorry. That was er... Reflexes?" Blake answered, looking like she was questioning herself.

"Hmmm." He said narrowing his eyes, before shrugging uncaring. "Meh. Your problems, not mine."

"I was carrying you over to Port's class, but since you woke up..." She trailed off, as the scout stood up and dusted himself off.

"Let's go! Don't want a professor on our asses just yet." He exclaimed, as he ran off faster then she could react.

"I bet that he doesn't even know where it is..." The ninja muttered, as she also ran towards class.

She entered with barely a second to spare, before her partner suddenly crashed into her, launching himself into the air, but somehow landing into a seat right next to Nora. The girl got up from her position on the ground, and quickly sat down next to Ren.

The two ninjas shared a look of pity at each other, before the professor chuckled in amusement.

"Ah... It is extremely good to see that the newest generation is still as excited as ever!" Port exclaimed, his voice booming around the classroom, before his eyes narrowed. "If you have ever fought a Grimm, many people must know how to fight Grimm! Miss Rose, come down here, to try and fight off some of the Grimm that I have prepared for you and your classmates!"

The poor girl squeaked and quickly ran out of the room to get her gear. The teacher smiled sadistically, and piped up, "IF ANY OF YOU MAGGOTS EVER THINK OF SLACKING OFF, I WILL MAKE YOU PERFORM FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND PUSHUPS IN ONE DAY, AND MYSELF SITTING ON YOUR BACK!"

"LUCKILY FOR YOUR HEALTH, I AM NOT ALLOWED FOR THE FIRST WEEK TO NOT SEND YOU OUT AGAINST AN URSA WITH NOTHING BUT YOUR WEAPON! NOT EVEN YOUR BULLSHIT SEMBLANCES AND AURAS! BE THANKFUL!" Port continued, as he pulled out cuffs from his desk.

"MAGGOT! ARE YOU COMING OUT OR AM I GOING TO HAVE TO RELEASE IT TO GET YOU OUT!" The insane teacher bellowed, as Ruby squeaked and ran out towards the arena.

"GOOD. NOW FIGHT AGAINST THREE BOARBATUSKS OTHERWISE IT'S A FIGHT AGAINST YOUR SISTER!" He barked out, as he suddenly threw a chair towards Jaune, that nailed him on the head.

"SLACKER!" He shouted at the scout.

"Ow!" The boy shouted in pain. "I was paying attention, sir!"

"YOU ARE THE FIRST IN YOUR YEAR TO HAVE CALLED ME SIR! YOU HAVE BEEN UPGRADED TO CHIEF MAGGOT AS A POSITION IN THIS REGIMENT!" Port yelled, as he completely ignored the fact that Ruby had finished her fight against the Barbarous.

"MAGGOT! GO UP TO YOUR DESK. YOUR CHIEF HAS CALMED ME DOWN SUCESSFULLY! BUT NOW EVERYONE APART FROM THE MAGGOT AND THE CHIEF SHALL DO FIVE HUNDRED PUSH UPS! OR ELSE!"

Safe to say, that everyone else apart from Ruby and Jaune performed their push-ups, absolutely terrified of the professor.

"NOW, IF I SEE ANYONE SLACKING WHILST I AM TALKING WITH THESE TWO, YOU SHALL BE FORCED TO PERFORM **NINE THOUSAND PUSHUPS**!" Port bellowed, as everyone paled at the threat.

Everyone knew that doing nine thousand push-ups was absolute suicide if they weren't Goku.

"Sir? What are we doing now?" The reaper asked, her eyes wide.

"YOU ARE TO TRY AND THROW ME OUT OF THE RING, WITHOUT YOUR SEMBLANCES!" The professor ordered.

"Cool. We've got this covered right, Ruby?" Jaune reassured, nonchalantly. "He's got no chance against team... Er... Topaz!"

"Why Topaz?" She questioned, curiously.

 **CUE STUPIDLY BAD FIGHT SCENE. YES, THIS FINALLY GOT PUT IN AFTER MONTHS OF THOUGHT AND CONSIDERATION.**

 **YOU SERIOUSLY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, I HOPE. I AM BAD AUTHOR 2010.**

"Because you're named after a gem, and I'm named after yellow, so I thought that a yellow gem called Topaz would be a good combination of our names." The scout explained.

"CHIEF MAGGOT! GET YOUR WEAPONS AND GEAR ON!" Port interrupted, as he threw the boy towards the door.

"Yeaaahhhh - FUCK!" He replied, before crashing into the door, throwing it off it's hinges. He quickly got his gear on, and ran towards Port before he somehow crashed into the arena.

"That was pretty cool," The sniper admitted, despite the reason that he was even launched into the air was extremely idiotic. She got onto the arena, where the grappler motioned her to his side.

"I think that we need a vague plan. Most of it, we'll make on the fly because we don't even know how he fights. But, since we're both fast and looking at his training regiment, I'm gonna assume he's going to be absolutely like the Heavy... Or in real-world terms, he's buff. So we'll have to harass him at the exact same time so that he doesn't have a clue what's going on." Jaune told her, before taking a breath.

"I'd have thought so... But, if he's too strong for us, you'll have to do it alone so that I can get a shot at him with my baby~" Ruby agreed, before adding her own plan.

"Good idea, since you're probably got really good damage in one hit, unlike me where I'm mainly focused on tons of DPS." The boy said, noticing that his partner for this fight was actually following what he was saying.

"GET READY TO FIGHT ME LIKE REAL A MAN/WOMAN!" Port exclaimed, before noticing that the two had extremely concentrated looks on their faces. Good, they'd need it since there was the fact he trained with Chuck Norris.

"Now," he whispered towards the girl, before they both threw themselves at the Huntsman.

Ruby because of her longer weapon, swung towards the man who quickly pulled the weapon towards him, before punching the poor girl in the face. She skidded to a halt.

In the meanwhile, the blond managed to kick Crescent Rose out of the man's hands, and threw it towards Ruby, only to get backhanded onto the floor. He widened his eyes and the foot going towards him, before he managed to narrowly roll out onto his side to avoid the impending foot.

Recognizing that he was in trouble, Ruby quickly looked into her scope and fired at the man's abdomen, which got a surprised "oomph" from the apprentice of Chuck Norris.

Jaune quickly got up, and managed to sidestep an extremely powerful punch that hit the ground, shaking it. He shakily stood up, before the professor capitalized on his unstableness, kicking him in the stomach, before following up with a punch to jaw that dislocated it.

He set it back, and gritted his teeth. Whilst this was a spar, it was extremely wide the difference between them and the professor... But, the assignment wasn't to knock him out - it was to throw him out.

"Ruby! Back away from him!" He ordered, before he grabbed his grappling hook.

"Okay - ow!" The girl said, before Port threw her towards him. He managed to catch her, and put her down on the floor.

"Alright, I have a plan. Just charge towards him when I do a thumbs up, alright?" He stated, quickly before throwing his grappling hook towards Port, who sidestepped it easily.

He smirked though, and pulled his grappling hook which launched him towards the professor who punched him in the gut, but he grabbed on with all of his might.

He quickly did a thumbs up, and Ruby zipped towards the side of Port, smashing Crescent Rose against his side, to which Jaune let go of the teacher.

Jaune noticed that he still wasn't out, and Ruby fired Crescent Rose at his feet, sending him flying towards the professor, narrowly swerving to avoid the massive punch, before kicking the teacher in the face, finally knocking him out of the arena.

"IMPRESSIVE, CHIEF MAGGOT AND MAGGOT!" Port congratulated them, before suddenly calming down, "Good job on accompanying one another with your speed, and Mister Arc's rather impressive strength. I'd suggest working together often since the two of you are both extremely fast MAGGOTS, and compliment each other rather well. CLASS DISMISSED, YOU MAGGOTS!"

"Good job, by the way." Pyrrha complimented, as the two teams left the class.

"Thanks. Just a quick word of advice if any of you try to fight him, don't do what I just did and take it." Jaune winced, as he held his stomach with one hand. "Even if you have a special Semblance that like triples your damage when you take a hit, he'll just overwhelm you."

"Well, if there's any comfort, we'll be with a partner." Blake said, terminating the silence.

"Yeah. He'll probably choose the people that are the most compatible, like I dunno, Yang and Nora. Myself and Blake. Jaune and Ruby, et etcetera." Ren analysed, getting a brief look of surprise from everyone there. "What? I'm not just unemotional all the time."

"It's probably because of Jaune and Nora." The female ninja dead-panned, getting a "hey" from the two.

"Might be." The male ninja stated, pensively. "But, I'm willing to bet that it's Jaune's fault."

 **AN:** Er... Thoughts?

On a more serious note, for all those complaining that Port should have destroyed them in a fight... I agree. He was, if you look closely. But, since Jaune realized that they only had to knock him out of the arena, they won via that way.

Also, the reason why it wasn't Ruby that knocked him out of the arena, is simply because I imagine her like a claymore user in Dark Souls - her weapon can do tons of damage, but she doesn't _exactly_ have the right amount of strength to wield it completely right - like if you don't meet the strength requirement for claymores. Don't worry, though because she'll eventually use it like Qrow can do in what we saw in Volume 3.

On a less serious note, I'm wondering what the fuck is Mercury going to find on his raid, and is Port the chosen one all along? He was trained by Chuck Norris.

Is Cinder ever going to be able to stop Neo from posting that video? Is Ren going to become Saitama?

FIND OUT SOON, YOU MAGGOTS!


End file.
